gripsmith boys in Hilo, 2007
Last Friday I had a follow-up MRI. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before in the beginning but when I was admitted to the hospital the MRI of my brain showed no tumors but all the vessels were abnormally enlarged. No one knew what that meant and it really scared me. One of my oncologists, Dr. Cho, figured it was all the pressure from my tumor in my chest causing the vessels in my brain to become enlarged. He made sure we did a follow-up MRI to double-check. I don’t have the official results but I asked the tech if the vessels looked abnormally enlarged and he said he didn’t notice it. My fingers are crossed that Dr. Cho was right.
Going through the MRI was really emotional for me. Here’s how my day went.
In the morning I thought nothing of this MRI. I got up early. I got dressed and Keoki made breakfast. None of the boys were coming with me because Keoki is working on a music video and needed time to make phone calls and setup crew. I was totally fine with going alone until I walked into the hospital. I started to feel emotional. As I was finding my way to the imaging department I remembered that I never walked to imaging. The only time I’ve been there was by being wheeled by a transporter when I was first diagnosed.
As I walked toward the MRI department I passed the place where I had my first CT that confirmed my Hodgkins disease. All these memories and emotions are flooding back to me and I’m trying my hardest to not let the tears fall. There are slight moments of distractions and I feel like I’m going to be ok and then suddenly I’m ready to cry again. I walk up to check-in for my appointment. It’s the usual procedure. Have a seat and sign these papers. I hand back all my filled out forms and have a seat again to wait for my turn. I have all this time to think about what has happened this past 6 months.
I think during my treatment I wasn’t so emotional because we had this fight to fight and I was fired up. I had my moments but soon after I cried I was back to the happy, positive attitude. Now, that the score is Ashley 1, cancer 0, I’m afraid. I know I have the best chances that I’d be in remission forever but it’s the slight chance that this will come back that scares me. If it does then it could really be a problem. When we were fighting, we had our target and a plan. Right now I feel like I’m Bruce Lee in his movie “Enter the Dragon.” The scene where he’s in the middle of these mirrors and the bad guy can see him but he doesn’t really know where the bad guy is. I keep wondering if I’ll get blind-sided one day. I’m sure everyone feels that way when diagnosed with anything.
I’m sitting there waiting for my turn and the tears are welling up. Right before I think I’m going to just start bawling my name is called. I’m relieved for a moment and then the nurse asks me to follow her so she can start my IV. YIKES! I didn’t realize I needed an IV for my MRI. I sit down on the chair and tell her my usual speech on how I’m a fainter and blah, blah, blah. She tells me she’ll be right back. I glance into the MRI room and the tears just start to fall. I can’t stop them now. I’m trying so hard to stop but the more I try the more I start to sob. The nurse returns with all her medical supplies in hand and sees me crying. She thinks it’s because I’m going to get an IV..lol In between breaths I’m trying to explain to her that it’s all very emotional because the last time I was in there I was admitted in the hospital. Feeling super sorry for me the nurse brings me to a gurney so she can start the IV. It hurts so bad. It’s on top of my hand and I really try to make like it’s nothing but I start to feel super hot and the room is getting white. I don’t pass out but I came super close to it. I’m lying down for about 5 minutes and the MRI tech tells me he’s ready for me. My nurse runs to get me a wheelchair. Oh my gosh, I was so embarrassed. I only had to walk about 20ft. I refused the wheelchair. I really wanted to sit in it but didn’t want to look like a total baby..haha. I get to the MRI machine and don’t remember it being so small. I was wondering if I was going to get claustrophobic in there. Luckily they make you listen to music and there are bright lights and the AC blowing in there. I swear if it weren’t for all of those things I wouldn’t have made it.
He tells me it’s going to be noisy but I thought because I had my earphones on I really wouldn’t hear it. I was so wrong. It is so noisy. Most of the time I couldn’t hear the music. Then they bring you out to inject the dye. He started to inject the dye and it burned so bad. He tried it again and still it was burning. He told me what I didn’t want to hear. “I need to pull this one out and start another IV”. I swear this wasn’t my day. After trying to find a good vein he does it and it hurts but not nearly as bad as the first one. Then he shoots the dye in and I hardly feel anything. Right after he was done doing that I start to feel like I’m going to throw up. He left the room and I’m freaking out. He comes back and I tell him that I don’t feel so good. He lets me sit up and hands me that plastic kidney looking thingy. He gave me a cup of water and it helped the moment pass. I lay back down to continue the 2nd part of my MRI.
I go in and C&K is playing. The song “About you” is on. Does my MRI tech want to mess with my emotions???? Didn’t he see me in the hallway crying my eyeballs out??? Of course I start to think of Keoki and all that we’ve been through. I start to tear but have to remind myself that I’m going to torture myself if I cry and can’t move. Luckily it gets super noisy so I can concentrate on how irritating it is. After a long 20 minutes I’m done and get up to go home. I grab my bag out of the locker, I say “bye” to the receptionist and get my parking validation. I walk past CT again and keep thinking of that day that I was diagnosed.
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Update:
I just got a call today from Dr. Fukumoto. My MRI looks absolutely NORMAL…Yay me!!
