December 4

On this day one year ago I found out I had cancer. I will never forget that day, that moment, that feeling. Thinking about it I get choked up as I know not only I got cancer that day but my family and friends did too. Many of my treatment’s side effects are gone. I’m rockin’ short hair and bangs nowadays and everyone thinks it’s cool. I feel so blessed that I was diagnosed at stage 3 and my treatment plan was successful in putting me in remission.

The lessons learned while going through this journey is invaluable. I wouldn’t have changed it for the world although my Keoki would say different. I think it was the hardest on him. I was having everyday epiphanies while he was not getting sleep, being my nurse, working and being both mom and dad to the boys. Bald, bloated and sick he still looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the room. I never felt self-conscious. Today we are so strong because of it.

Each day I’m grateful to be living even when I’m having a bad day. I don’t get so worked up about things. I’m so proud of family and friends for stepping in without question to help me heal. I really do feel lucky to have had cancer. It definitely changed my life and I feel blessed to have experienced all of that and now be healthy and living life with wings.

In the photo above we participated in the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Fundraiser. We were part of group F.L.U.S.H:

(F)ighting
(L)eukemia & Lymphoma
(U)nderstanding
(S)upporting
(H)elping

It was the first time our group entered and I’m thrilled to announce that our team raised the most money. We raised over $6000…YAHOOOO! I was so proud wearing the blue shirt that had SURVIVOR on the back. It really made me cry when Byron (our other team member who battled leukemia) & I held our team sign and lead our team around the waterpark. I felt triumphant. I loved standing out that night. The color of my shirt showed I fought and won. My balloon was white while everyone’s was red. Everything reminded me that it was ok to be proud of this past year.

I'm a textin' Fool!!!

I love texting especially now that Keoki is sporting around with the iphone 3G. I had to wait days for a reply now he's responding quicker than I. Here's a little conversation we had about December 4th.

Lanai

I've been so busy working that I've never really gotten a chance to see this island. We're staying at the Koele Lodge and I have a huge room. I think all the rooms here are huge. Only last night did I walk around to see part of their property. It's beautiful here. There's a beautiful old fashioned library that I would love to sit in all day and read books. Then you go out toward the pool and you have a great workout room. Each machine has its own T.V. I have to use it before our whole crew gets in. We've pretty much booked the whole hotel. I think we're going to venture towards shipwreck beach. I heard there is still some gold to be found over there. I'm sure if there is its very, very little but going to check it out and see.

Then we're going over to Manele Bay. I would've loved to stay at that hotel but it's a little farther from our production office. I'm just 5 minutes away at the Lodge.

We have a 4WD but if you guys doing hear from me after 5pm..please send help..lol

I'll tell you all about it when I get back...Hope you enjoy your Sunday!!

A little Political humor

We're getting close to Nov. 4th and just thought this was really appropriate as many people are so worked up over this year's election. Go out there and vote. Just mailed my absentee vote from Lanai. Make sure to make yours count!!!

Chasing Pavements

Keoki and I were watching Conan O'Brien and Adele was the guest singer. I was mesmerized. She has an amazing voice. Play her video below and you'll agree she's phenomenal.

Adele - Chasing Pavements
by slzaza

The Year of a Million Dreams...

In my almost 30 years of life I have never been to Disneyland. I know sad ya? So, guess who was more excited in the Kalihi Smith clan than anyone else??...YUP..ME!!! We got to our hotel at around 3:30pm. We got settled in and I kept begging Keoki like a little baby to go to hurry up so could go. Luckily we bought the Anaheim Resort Transit (ART) Pass because I didn't know you had to pay to park at the happiest place on earth. Shocking! Anyway, we jumped on the shuttle and even though it was Logan asking "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" It was me that really wanted to know ARE WE THERE YET??? Right when you walk off the shuttle it feels exciting. When you swipe your ticket it sounds like pixie dust being sprinkled. Everything is just magical!

We were lucky to go and see Disneyland a day before they put out all of their Halloween decorations. I do have to say that the most rudest people go to the happiest place on earth. Everyone there has a Black Friday mentality. Luckily I have been trained many years on that and could hang with the big boys. Keoki is not so hip to that game so there were a couple of times where I told him he could stay back with Mason and Logan & I would go for a couple of hours. Logan complained a bit here and there about the walk but I didn't mind because it was super far. We rode rides together, laughed about silly things. It was awesome. It was nice to just do that with him one on one.

We spent six days at Disneyland and California Adventure. I'm so glad we got to do that with the kids. I can't wait for them to get a little older so they'll be able to ride big rides with me. Keoki hates those rides. He got a little woozy on the Star Tours ride. He cracks me up!

This year is The Year of a Million Dreams where cast members choose random people in Disneyland and do things for them ranging from giving away free embroidery on the Mickey ears hats to staying the Cinderella Suite. We weren't chosen for that but Keoki started to talk to one of the cast members and he got a set of collectable pins and some other pins. A total of about 11 pins in all. SCORE! Check my ebay listing and happy bidding..nah! Not selling those pins.

Oh and one more reason why Disneyland is so awesome. We were running around doing all kinds of stuff and I didn't realize until I got home that I was missing a bag. I called our hotel and the shuttle service and nothing. I called Disneyland and talked to their Lost and Found Department. I retraced all my steps with them and they went and tried to locate it. Luckily they found it. Without hesitation they asked to send it to my address. OMY! Did I mention how much I love that place??? My sister Nicole went to Disneyland Tokyo the other year and my niece lost her jacket. My sister called their lost and found and they found it and mailed it to her too.

Hope we can see EM-AI-SEE-KAY-EE-WHY EM-OH-YOU-ES-EE again, maybe we'll catch him in Florida or Tokyo next??? *elbowing Keoki*..haha

6 month checkup

My Mase monster

Last week I had to go in for my 6 month checkup. This would be the first PET scan after I have finished both chemotherapy and radiation. I had to go on an all protein diet the day before getting my PET scan. It's not that bad but hard to stay away from sugar or any carbohydrates. EVERYTHING has either or both of the two. The morning of my PET scan I didn't realize I didn't drink any water. I was too nervous to think straight. I kept doing things over and over again like look in my bag and put it down then come back to look in my bag again to move it. Had no idea what I was looking for but needed to do something to keep me distracted.

My appointment was at 11:00am so I couldn't eat anything in the morning. Why is it that once you are restricted you want it even more? I'm usually not into breakfast but that morning I could only think of how good an omelette would be or a bowl of cereal.

As I check in for my appointment I'm super calm. I'm not nervous or have any kind of anxiety. They call my name and bring me to the prep room. We do the usual routine of explaining the procedure, getting me to change into hospital clothes, and what locker will be assigned to me for my belongings. After changing I have to get a prick on my finger to test my blood sugar level. Same thing someone with diabetes would have to do. Then I get to lay down while I wait for them to start an IV and get me prepped. Everything is going as planned and I'm still calm. They give me a valium to make sure my neck and shoulder muscles are relaxed. Sometimes if you're too cold or too tense when they shoot whatever nuclear dye they shoot in for the PET scan then it doesn't allow the dye to go into those muscles causing a false negative. So, I ask "what does valium do"? I'm thinking of vicodin..lol The nurse replies "it's for anxiety and muscle spasms. I'm a little surprised and feel actually a little good because of my anxiety of getting the IV. Then my PET scan tech comes in to do the IV.

Well ladies and gentlemen this is where the drama begins...
The tech comes in and gathers everything he needs for the IV. I'm cool because the valium is supposed to help with this right???..WRONG! Anyway, I'm laying in the bed and they ask to see my left arm. They put the tourniquet on and start slapping away to see what vein is going to pop up and scream "poke me." (Ok I'm getting woozy just typing this..haha) So after a while he feels like the middle of my arm is good. Everything is going well and then he sticks me. OUCH! I'm turned the other way and notice he's still doing stuff and then I turn over to look and ask "is it ok" but before I do I see his head shaking like he's saying no. Oh my! Then he says "I had it but now I don't. I'm sorry I have to do another one". Oh great! So we do the whole tourniquet thing and the whole slapping thing and he decides he wants to do it on the side of my wrist. ya ok..wherever..whatever. Turning the other way he goes in again. OUCH again. Still no "I got it" or "there we go". I'm scared now. He's still digging around. I don't even want to ask. I'm getting a little lightheaded. Then he says "I didn't get it". NOOOOO...that means I need to get poked another time. He goes and gets another tech to do it. She comes in and is talking to me to try and distract me. On the other arm she does the same thing. First the middle of my arm. No luck! Then the side of my wrist. No Luck! That's four attempts with no luck. She asks me if I drank a lot of water. Oops! I forgot to drink any water that whole morning. That's what I get for not hydrating my veins. Note to self: drink water or else they'll stick you multiple times and torture you. They make a call to the IV nurse but sometimes they're so busy that they don't come until an hour later. Because timing is very critical during a PET scan the first tech comes back and says "the IV nurse might take too long so we have to try it in your foot". WHAT???? He already had the tourniquet on my ankle and off getting supplies when the IV nurse walks in with her cart. THANK YOU! I was really scared about the foot thing. She waltzes in and and has the IV in in no time. He secret weapon? Numbing medicine. It's awesome. Actually the numbing medicine hurt but worked so quickly that I didn't even feel her doing the IV.

Now that I have the IV in I get the nuclear dye shot in me. After I get that I have to wait 45 minutes for the dye to work it's way through my body. This is so boring. I lay there and can't read, cross my legs, put my hands over my head. I try to sleep but who can sleep when so many scenarios are running through your head about getting the results.

After a long wait I walk into the PET scan room. They have you lay down with your hands over your head as they tuck you in and strap you down so you don't move. Another 45 minutes of not moving. You go in this machine similar to a CT Scan and it first does a scan of your whole body and then moves you slowly back until your whole body is scanned.

**THE RESULTS**

A week later I go into see my oncologist for my PET scan results. Usually when you check in the nurse hands you a lab slip so you can draw your blood before you see Dr. It's so he can check on your bloodwork before your appointment. This time I get the slip I'm familiar with and then another slip. I'm confused and scared. Anything out of the ordinary is bad right? I walk into the lab and hand them my slip. Then I get a confused look and he says "oh I need to call about this. I don't know the exact procedure." This cannot be good at all! He gets on the phone and still looks confused. The he asks me "are you getting a transplant"? WHAT??? I say "Oh I didn't see Dr. yet but I guess so. I'm tearing a little because my dr. had mentioned that if the cancer does come back my next step is a stem cell transplant. I'm confident at this point I still have cancer. I have to give 8 vial of blood. I seriously almost passed out. Luckily I have the chemo nurses draw my blood so if I do faint I'm reclined on the chair.

I get called in to check my vitals and get put into a room to wait for my dr. He comes in smiling and nonchalantly in one breath says "Hi Ashley..How you doing..PET scan was clean...are you feeling any new symptoms?" WHAT..Wait HOLD UP! I had to stop him and ask him "So, my PET scan was clean" and he goes 'ya..you don't have any evidence of disease". Whoa..that's huge news. I told him "I almost had a breakdown back there because the lab asked me if I was having a transplant." He goes on to explain that the reason I had to give that much blood was because during my last transfusion the girl who I got blood from did not inform the blood bank that she had a piercing so they have to retest my blood to make sure I didn't get anything. He said I have less than a 1% chance of actually having something from her. That's a little scary but I'm pretty confident that I'll be ok. Actually I know I'll be OK. I'm in REMISSION!!!! YAHOOOOOO!

Life is just awesome for me right now. We're leaving to go to Disneyland in a week. I'll be turning 30 in less than a month and this is has been the best early birthday present ever. I know I still have checkups and there is a real reality that I'll have it come back or another cancer from my treatments but right now I'll deal with it when it comes. I'm just happy to know I'm going to be here for a long time watching my boys grow up and getting old with my Keoki.

Because my blog might get a little boring (as it has for the past couple months) I've decided to start blogging about random things, everyday life or whatever I'm thinking. Hope you still come visit. I just want to keep it exciting while waiting for other tests and checkups.

The Smith Monkeys

Make a Smilebox slideshow

MRI follow-up

gripsmith boys in Hilo, 2007

Last Friday I had a follow-up MRI. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before in the beginning but when I was admitted to the hospital the MRI of my brain showed no tumors but all the vessels were abnormally enlarged. No one knew what that meant and it really scared me. One of my oncologists, Dr. Cho, figured it was all the pressure from my tumor in my chest causing the vessels in my brain to become enlarged. He made sure we did a follow-up MRI to double-check. I don’t have the official results but I asked the tech if the vessels looked abnormally enlarged and he said he didn’t notice it. My fingers are crossed that Dr. Cho was right.

Going through the MRI was really emotional for me. Here’s how my day went.

In the morning I thought nothing of this MRI. I got up early. I got dressed and Keoki made breakfast. None of the boys were coming with me because Keoki is working on a music video and needed time to make phone calls and setup crew. I was totally fine with going alone until I walked into the hospital. I started to feel emotional. As I was finding my way to the imaging department I remembered that I never walked to imaging. The only time I’ve been there was by being wheeled by a transporter when I was first diagnosed.

As I walked toward the MRI department I passed the place where I had my first CT that confirmed my Hodgkins disease. All these memories and emotions are flooding back to me and I’m trying my hardest to not let the tears fall. There are slight moments of distractions and I feel like I’m going to be ok and then suddenly I’m ready to cry again. I walk up to check-in for my appointment. It’s the usual procedure. Have a seat and sign these papers. I hand back all my filled out forms and have a seat again to wait for my turn. I have all this time to think about what has happened this past 6 months.

I think during my treatment I wasn’t so emotional because we had this fight to fight and I was fired up. I had my moments but soon after I cried I was back to the happy, positive attitude. Now, that the score is Ashley 1, cancer 0, I’m afraid. I know I have the best chances that I’d be in remission forever but it’s the slight chance that this will come back that scares me. If it does then it could really be a problem. When we were fighting, we had our target and a plan. Right now I feel like I’m Bruce Lee in his movie “Enter the Dragon.” The scene where he’s in the middle of these mirrors and the bad guy can see him but he doesn’t really know where the bad guy is. I keep wondering if I’ll get blind-sided one day. I’m sure everyone feels that way when diagnosed with anything.

I’m sitting there waiting for my turn and the tears are welling up. Right before I think I’m going to just start bawling my name is called. I’m relieved for a moment and then the nurse asks me to follow her so she can start my IV. YIKES! I didn’t realize I needed an IV for my MRI. I sit down on the chair and tell her my usual speech on how I’m a fainter and blah, blah, blah. She tells me she’ll be right back. I glance into the MRI room and the tears just start to fall. I can’t stop them now. I’m trying so hard to stop but the more I try the more I start to sob. The nurse returns with all her medical supplies in hand and sees me crying. She thinks it’s because I’m going to get an IV..lol In between breaths I’m trying to explain to her that it’s all very emotional because the last time I was in there I was admitted in the hospital. Feeling super sorry for me the nurse brings me to a gurney so she can start the IV. It hurts so bad. It’s on top of my hand and I really try to make like it’s nothing but I start to feel super hot and the room is getting white. I don’t pass out but I came super close to it. I’m lying down for about 5 minutes and the MRI tech tells me he’s ready for me. My nurse runs to get me a wheelchair. Oh my gosh, I was so embarrassed. I only had to walk about 20ft. I refused the wheelchair. I really wanted to sit in it but didn’t want to look like a total baby..haha. I get to the MRI machine and don’t remember it being so small. I was wondering if I was going to get claustrophobic in there. Luckily they make you listen to music and there are bright lights and the AC blowing in there. I swear if it weren’t for all of those things I wouldn’t have made it.

He tells me it’s going to be noisy but I thought because I had my earphones on I really wouldn’t hear it. I was so wrong. It is so noisy. Most of the time I couldn’t hear the music. Then they bring you out to inject the dye. He started to inject the dye and it burned so bad. He tried it again and still it was burning. He told me what I didn’t want to hear. “I need to pull this one out and start another IV”. I swear this wasn’t my day. After trying to find a good vein he does it and it hurts but not nearly as bad as the first one. Then he shoots the dye in and I hardly feel anything. Right after he was done doing that I start to feel like I’m going to throw up. He left the room and I’m freaking out. He comes back and I tell him that I don’t feel so good. He lets me sit up and hands me that plastic kidney looking thingy. He gave me a cup of water and it helped the moment pass. I lay back down to continue the 2nd part of my MRI.

I go in and C&K is playing. The song “About you” is on. Does my MRI tech want to mess with my emotions???? Didn’t he see me in the hallway crying my eyeballs out??? Of course I start to think of Keoki and all that we’ve been through. I start to tear but have to remind myself that I’m going to torture myself if I cry and can’t move. Luckily it gets super noisy so I can concentrate on how irritating it is. After a long 20 minutes I’m done and get up to go home. I grab my bag out of the locker, I say “bye” to the receptionist and get my parking validation. I walk past CT again and keep thinking of that day that I was diagnosed.


**************************************************
Update:

I just got a call today from Dr. Fukumoto. My MRI looks absolutely NORMAL…Yay me!!

Let's get a movin'

I said in my previous post that I had extreme fatigue. Now, that I'm past the two weeks after radiation I have all my energy back and more. As many of you know I hate exercise. I fell asleep one time after doing the warm up portion of Jane Fonda's workout tape. Anyway, chemo has made me gain some weight so I'm determined to ge rid of it. I bought a cheap pair of shoes from Wal-mart and pretty much walk everywhere. I went walking and added a little jogging on Saturday. I was so winded that I almost fainted BUT Ashley always wants to faint right???..lol Then my muscles were sore on Sunday and I was so tired that I thought I didn't want to do anything. I ate a whole bunch of "not so good for you" stuff so almost instantly I was putting on my yoga pants and lacing up my shoes. We went to the park. I still can't run a lot but I notice I can run a little more or walk a little more each time. It helps that gas prices are rising so we try to walk to the grocery store or the bank. I feel so much better exercising. I just hope to keep it up. We'll see what happens in couple of months.

Radiation All Pau

Well, I’m all done with my radiation…YAY! Thank goodness because my body wasn’t ready for any more. On my last day of radiation I was so sick that I had to close my eyes and repeat “Logan, Mason, Logan, Mason” in my head to have the strength to make it through my last session. As soon as I was able to get off the table I almost ran to the bathroom to throw up. It felt great and horrible at the same time. I didn’t realize that radiation had a delayed effect. Whatever I was feeling at the end of treatment was basically symptoms from two weeks prior. I knew that even though I was going to be done I had another to weeks of nausea and extreme fatigue to go. It was like all of a sudden the fatigue set in. For almost a week I couldn’t get out of bed. I only had the energy to use the bathroom and eat. Then it was back to bed.

I had my follow-up appointment with my oncologist and was happy to hear that there was no trace on my PET scan of any cancer cells. But he was quick to tell me that it doesn’t mean I’m cancer-free. He said the PET scan could only detect cancer cells at a certain amount. So what does that mean for me? Well, for the next 5 years I will go for repeat scan and test to make sure it doesn’t come back. If after 5 years of not being able to detect any cancers cells then we can say I’m cancer-free. Luckily for me Hodgkins Lymphoma has a 90% chance of being cured after a combination of chemo and radiation. I feel like I’m already cured. I feel great! I feel wiser! I feel happy!

I was at the Kalihi Sunset in park and Ilona Irvine was on stage singing. She has a beautiful voice and the last song she sang was "Thank you Lord" originally by Bob Marley. Wow! As she was singing my tears just started rolling down my face. Every line I felt was just for me.

THANK YOU LORD lyrics

Thank you, Lord, for what you've done for me.
Thank you, Lord, for what you're doing now.
Thank you, Lord, for ev'ry little thing.
Thank you, Lord, for you made me sing.

Say I'm in no competition,
But I made my decision.
You can keep your opinion.
I'm just calling on the wise man's communion.

Thank you, Lord, for what you've done for me.
Thank you, Lord, for what you're doing now.
Thank you, Lord, for ev'ry little thing.
Thank you, Lord, for you made me sing.

Sing along, sing along.

I don't fear their humiliation,
Just to prove my determination.
I don't yield to temptation,
I haven't learn't my lesson in Revelation.

Thank you, Lord, for what you've done for me.
Thank you, Lord, for what you're doing now.
Thank you, Lord, for ev'ry little thing.
Thank you, Lord, for you made me sing.

Sing along, sing along.

Say I'm in no competition
But I made my decision,
Lord, in my simple way.
Comin', comin', comin', comin'.
I love to pray.

Thank you, Lord, for what you've done for me.
Thank you, Lord, for what you're doing now.
Thank you, Lord, for ev'ry little thing.

Finished one job on to the next

As many of you know I also do photography when I'm not working on film productions. I'm actually glad to be getting back into it because it's been too long. I remember I just finished my shoot with the Anderson Family and got put into the hospital. Immediately after that I started working on a couple movies while doing chemo. I just finished one of the hardest projects I've worked on so getting back into photography will be a good change and allow me to relax. I've been trying to work on my website but with two little boys suddenly interested in what you're doing as soon as you jump on the computer or are on the phone it has been tough. I'll let everyone know when tarynreid.com will be up. I have a couple jobs this month which I'm so excited about. Sometimes I wish I could just do photography but the movies keep pulling me back and they have great benefits so I'm torn. I want it all..lol

Radiation

I finished my first week of radiation last week. It was brutal. I got super nauseas and had to stay home from work on Wednesday. Then Keoki told me he was taking the boys camping and I thought I was going to have my first 2 day weekend alone and it would be wonderful. I was wrong. On Saturday I started to feel a bit funny and ended up having the flu. It was really the flu this time not another tumor…just kidding. So I was home alone and super sick. I didn’t have Keoki there to baby me. I was miserable. I was so bad that I had to stay home from work this week on Wednesday and Thursday. I also had to postpone my radiation treatments on Thursday and Friday. We’ll see if I can continue on Monday.

I know I was going on about how alone radiation makes you feel and it still is but I like my radiation techs and although radiation is the most boring treatment because you have to lay there and not move I get to take little naps. That’s how I make the time go faster. They lay me down on this hard slab and yell out numbers and start to pull and tug and my body to position me right. Then I go in for the first part. I get sucked into this hole and slowly my body gets scanned. Then after about 10 minutes I pushed out to wait for my doctor to look at my scan and make necessary adjustment. I get adjusted and then back into the machine I go for my treatment. You know the radiation is going on because the “Tomo” (what my techs call it) machine makes like a horse galloping sound. I hear it coming and going. It took me a few treatments to realize I was slowly moving backward. Then it seems like you hit the end because you feel a slight jerk and the “Tomo” spits you out. Laying on that hard slab for that long makes my whole body hurt. You feel stiff trying to get off of it. I can’t wait for this part to be over. I’m excited to see my oncologist after we’re all done to hopefully have him say “ok..Nothing on your scans”. That is going to be so sweet.

I’m actually very lucky to be using the “Tomo”. My Dr. had mapped out plans and how surrounding organs will get affected by the radiation with the “Tomo” and with traditional radiation. Let’s just say I’d be getting way more radiation to other vital organs resulting in permanent damage than what I’m doing now. Thank goodness my insurance covered this radiation treatment.

Oh and my hair is slowly starting to grow back. I know it’ll be a while before I have long hair again but I can’t wait to be able to make a bun or even a ponytail. I will never complain about my own hair. I’m so over wearing my wig but still do it to avoid looks in public. I’ll go au natural at home or with family though. I no kea wit dem..lol

The call

I got a call from my radiologist oncologist saying that after looking more closely at my PET scan results they did find a small area on my abdomen that is still "diseased". So, I had to go in for another marking session. They redid the marks on my chest and sides and added a few on my tummy.

When the phone rang this past weekend telling me I had to do radiation on my tummy I was very upset. The nurse kept apologizing and really couldn't answer any of the questions I had. My Dr. eventually got on the phone and explained that it is hardly noticeable but it does need to be treated.

Luckily, my sisters are on Spring break so they watched Logan and Mason while Keoki and I went to my appointment. It was good to be with Keoki. It's been a long time since we had a chance to be together. We've been working so much lately that I miss him. Anyway, again I started to feel sad sitting in the waiting room and when they called me I jumped up and walked with the radiologist through the swinging doors. Keoki yelled after us and asked if he could come along but the radiologist explained that he would have to wait outside because no one is allowed in the room when the machines are on. I felt like a child walking with their doctor and their parents telling them it's going to be ok when they know its not. It wasn't that bad actually. I got to talk to the radiologist and they were asking me what my doctor said and explained to me that I'll be using the tomography radiation machine. It's a new type of radiation machine that allows the radiologist to view your scans daily to make necessary adjustments. I guess that eased my mind a little. Keoki worked on a commercial last November for that very same machine. It's weird now I'm going to be using it.

So, I'll go in for my first treatment on Monday. I'll get tattooed and then do my first treatment. In the commercial Keoki worked on for the Queen's Cancer Center's Tomography machine the lady looks calm and relaxed like she was in a spa. I don't think that's the case here but we'll see how it goes.

I've got a PET

Shokudo after my last chemo treatment

It’s been so long since I’ve updated my wellness blog. I completed my 12th and final treatment of chemo on Thurs, 2/28. It was bittersweet. I was so happy to know that I was finishing that part of treatment but sad because that’s what I’ve come to know for the past 12 weeks. I’ve come to realize that I don’t like endings good or bad. I get used to something and am afraid of change. Not knowing what to expect next gives me anxiety. Aside from chemo making me sick and changing my appearance I liked seeing everyone at my doctor’s office every week. I’ve made so many friends. I wonder how other patients that would sit next to me and chat are doing now. I hope they are all getting better and beating their cancers.

Last week I had to do another PET scan to see how big my tumor in my chest is and if I have any other areas in my body with cancer. It also tells my radiologist how to treat me with radiation. My consult was today and I am happy to report that my abdomen is free of cancer. Well, I should say my abdomen does not have cancer cells that are detectable by the scan. After my consultation with my radiologist I was sent in for my marking. It was like I was doing a CT scan and they marked my chest and sides with a sharpie. Next week I’ll get “tattooed” and start my first radiation treatment. I’ll go everyday for three weeks or four. Depends how my tumor responds. I have to admit I did tear when I was done getting marked and changing back into my clothes. It is so different from where I got chemo. When I was getting chemo there was so many people around. If you don’t know me by now I’m totally a people person. During chemo you sit next to someone going through the same thing as you. You chat and even when you don’t talk you know that you are not alone. Everyone sitting in the chair in the chemo room understands what you are going though. When you go to radiation you go to the basement. Right when the door opens it feels cold. The place is nice but I instantly felt the difference. I just felt claustrophobic. I realized that I felt alone. I was getting marked and there was no one there to talk to about how I felt. No one sitting next to me agreeing how nauseas we feel or how chips & salsa is the only thing that tastes good sometimes. I was alone with a huge machine making a loud, weird humming noise. Not even a nurse or tech there to talk to. I was and will be ALONE during my treatments. Not sure if I can handle going everyday for three or four weeks. Then I thought how tiring it would be driving everyday to the hospital. Another scary fact is radiation can actually hurt you more than help you. I mean you could get cancer from radiation. I guess you could get cancer from anything but that freaked me out. I’m sure I’ll be saying how it isn’t that bad once I start but it was a little emotional today.

Week 11 of chemo down and one more week to go!

Mason can't wait for chemo to be over for his mama!!!

This past week I went to chemo on Thursday and Friday. Every 3rd Friday is a booster chemo treatment for me. I can’t believe I only have one more to go. They gave me my nausea medication as usual and then started to give me treatment. If any of you know what Ativan for nausea is then you’ll know it makes you feel like you’ve had a glass or sometimes a bottle of wine. I go to sleep every time but this time it made me feel loopy way after I was done with my treatment. I didn’t really feel so good. On Friday I felt so out of it. On top of that I felt so constipated again from the double day of chemo treatments. I just went home and slept it off. I felt way better yesterday. Now, I’m up all night doing stuff around the house and eating again…YIKES!!! Those steroids make you an insomniac and constantly make you hungry. I’m glad I have only one more week of all those meds. I can’t wait to get off most of them.

Oh and on Friday the lovely gals in the chemo room started to talk to me about how they couldn’t believe I’m already done with week 11 and will be done next week. I started to cry and everyone thought It was cute but I couldn’t stop. Is that weird to be sad to be leaving? I still need to think about that one. I’ll blog later ‘cause I still need to think why I’m so emotional about it all. I’m just a crazy, emotional lady nowadays..lol

My 10th Chemo treatment on Heart Day

Valentine’s week was a busy week for me. On Monday, 2/11 I was feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded but thought it was because I wasn’t eating the right foods. All who are around me know that the crazy steroids they have me on have caused me to gain about 25 pounds in about 2 weeks. My face has the classic “moon shape” of chemo and all my clothes are super tight. Who knew chemo would make you fat???? Anyway, I’ve been eating so badly and not enough fruits and veggies that I thought that was the reason for feeling so blah. Anyway, when I went for my blood test on Monday I was told my red blood count was way down and needed a blood transfusion the next day so my body would be able to receive chemo on Thursday. I went in the next day for my blood transfusion and felt way better after.

On Valentine’s Day I went in for my 10th treatment and felt great but on Friday I was feeling weird again. I went home from work and went to the ER. I needed to get a couple of bags of fluid and antibiotics for what seemed like a cold coming on. I felt better that night and way better the next day. The one good thing that came out of my week of hearts is that I got another x-ray of my chest. As you can see the picture on the left was taken about 7 weeks ago. The tumor has shrunk a lot. I’m so happy. Do you guys remember my first blog post of the tumor before any chemotherapy? (go to my previous posts and compare. It’s mind-boggling) HOLY COW it was huge. It seems like so long that I’ve been first told of having Hodgkins lymphoma and now I feel like it’s almost over and I can get back to normal…size that is..hahaha.

The Waiting Room

Yesterday was my 9th Chemo treatment. I have three more treatments to go…YAY! After I’m done I’ll get a scan of my chest and abdomen and we’ll decide on radiation treatment. Our guess right now is Monday – Friday for three weeks. I’ll keep you guys updated on that. I just had to share the picture above because I got some kind of nuclear chemo medication where I had to wear a mask and the nurse had to go full gown and mask. It was a little scary but I couldn’t help but laugh.

Anyway, my doctor is part of On Care Hawaii. This is a team of oncologists located at Queen’s POB II. When you walk into their office you have many people there waiting to see one of the twelve doctors. It’s often very busy because you can do your labs and chemo treatment in the same office. Even though I hate waiting I don’t mind waiting in this office. I like to observe everyone. I like to make sure I smile at everyone in there because we are apart of a group that no one wants to be a part of. But once you're in it you have this new respect for everyone going through cancer and don't mind being part of the cancer crowd. Well not me anyway. I want to tell everyone I have cancer and share my story. I want to make sure that people know I'm here if they need to talk because cancer is a beast and no one should face it alone. I just hope and pray that all of them have the same support that I have. Like I said before, I could have not done this alone. You are all part of my cancer fighting team and that’s the reason why I’m doing so well at this point. Aside from the narcotics..lol…totally kidding. I like when I’m in there and smile and start to make friends. I love hearing their stories about how they found out about having cancer and how it makes them feel. Sometimes people just need to have someone listen and I can see it makes them feel better even if for a little while.

I also realize while I’m sitting in the waiting room that I have been given a second chance in life. I have a second chance to dream new dreams and have new goals. I have a second chance to love others and a second chance to be happy. A second chance to realize to live life to the fullest and have wings to fly. I have to thank cancer for making me realize all of this.

I was reading a book in the waiting room and this quote was in there:

“HOLDING ON” Sometimes, the emotions all come at once. Fear, sadness, confusion, and determination overwhelm me. It’s then I need to “hold on”- to my family, friends and faith for support. Soon the moment passes; I’ve gained strength and can continue to embrace the day and my life living with cancer.

I read that quote and just started crying. It is so true. Thank you to all my friends and family who have come together to fully support me and make sure I knew I wasn’t going to be doing this alone.

I'm so HIRED!!!

I should have posted this a while ago but just didn’t have time to get around to it. I’m lucky to have Angie and Frank as bosses. Back in Oct or Nov of last year we got word that a movie with Lifetime was going to come early January. Well, when I got diagnosed I totally thought I wouldn’t be able to work. Especially after finding out that I would have weekly doctors appointments along with weekly chemo appointments. Anyway, they made it happen and I started to work on Jan. 14. It was weird because just the weekend before I started I felt miserable. I wasn’t sure I was able to make it to work on the next day. Actually, I remember getting up for work and feeling blah but got ready and drove to work. Amazingly, right when I drove up I felt better and as I started to work and get my mind off of my sickness I felt wonderful. Being back to work has been the best thing for me. I did have a couple of days that week when I had to stay home but everyone was ok with it and that’s where I’m lucky. Both Frank and Angie have told me time and time again that my health is more important. I don’t feel any hesitation telling them how I’m feeling or if I need time off. Working on a movie is very demanding and with me doing all my appointments and being out as much as I am puts more work on everyone else. I’m lucky they still want keep me. Maybe it’s because I cry and beg and you can’t say “no” to cancer girl..just kidding. Thanks Frank and Angie for being so good to me and making it happen. Because of them being ok with it they convinced everyone else to be ok with it.

Happy Anniversary Keoki!!!

On Saturday 2/2, Keoki and I had our 6th anniversary. Keoki surprised me by getting off work to spend the day with our boys and me. We ended up going to Chinatown to check out all the festivities for the Chinese New Year. Even though it was raining there wasn’t any parking and I got motion sickness in the car driving all around. We ended up finding parking at Mark’s Garage and didn’t know that they don’t have elevators. Keoki had to carry the stroller down three flights of stairs. Anyway, on Thursday I had my 8th treatment of Chemo and it made me super tired and brought on the nausea. All I wanted to do was stay home and sleep but didn’t want to waste a day out with the boys. I know it’s bad to not listen to my body during this time but I badly wanted to be out with the family. We didn’t stay long because of the rain and Logan freaked out when he saw the Lion Dance. The Lion dance was beautiful and Mason got to give dollars for good luck. I had to give the Lion money too just to seal the deal on good health J. I started to feel faint so we left after a little while and went home so I could sleep. It doesn’t sound like a great anniversary but it was wonderful for us.

I also have the perfect song for Keoki. I know too mushy for y’all but I’m so in love with this guy. Alicia Keys puts it best so click on the video to the right and enjoy "No One". Such the perfect song for us. It’s funny because we’ve been together for 8 years and 6 of them being married. Depending on whom you talk to 6 years is long time or short while. I feel like I’ve known him for lifetimes. We are so connected but I know it’s because of everything we have been through. We come out stronger every time we are faced with something. It’s really because Keoki is so strong and dedicated that he’ll never give up. He’ll never let me give up. Even when it all seems like it’s coming down and I feel like there’s now way it’ll get better. He has a gift to seriously make it all better. I’m an so lucky to have married my perfect man and along with him came an awesome family that I adore and have been a tremendous help during this time. Yes, you can say I’m blessed and I count all my blessings everyday and am very thankful for this life I’ve been given. I hope you all realize your blessings in your life big or small.

Happy Birthday Logan Ryder!!!

Today big bro Logan turns three. I swear he's much older though. I think Auntie Marilyn made a comment when he was a few months old saying he was an "old soul". I totallly agree with her. He is very aware with what's going with me and when I cry out he comes and holds me patting me on my back saying "it's ok mommy, don't cry" He'll tell me to "rest so you can get better". I feel like he's growing up a little too quickly for me. Why can't they just stay little. Logan and I have a special bond. We always look at eachother and give one another goofy looks or just a smile letting the other that we're ok. He is never afraid to ask me about my scars or treatment. Of course he comes to mommy when daddy scolds him. I admit I like it. Anyway, Happy Birthday my son ~ Love your momma and daddy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!....WHOOOOO!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!.....WHOOOOO!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR L-O-G-A-N!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!.....WHOOOOO!

We also want to wish AUNTIE KRISTIN a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO! We love you!!!

Happy Birthday my Mason Boy!!!

I can't believe my little guy turned one today. Because of all of my treatments and basically trying to keep healthy during chemo we didn't really have time to plan a big 1st birthday party. We were just going to have a small party to celebrate but luckily Aunty Moi, Aunty Nicole and Grandmama are stepping in and planning it all. It won't be super huge but big enough so all the cousins can come and enjoy. Big Brother Logan will be turning three on the 25th so it'll be a combined party. It'll be fun and I am very thankful for the aunties and grandmama for taking on all the stress of planning a party so my little boys can have some fun. Now let's sing to Mason....


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU....WHOOOO!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU....WHOOOO!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE MASON.....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU....WHOOO!!!

Mommy and Daddy love you so much Mase.

My chemo boosting party

This past Saturday, 1/12, my family on my dad’s side decided to throw me a chemo boosting party. It was great. When we walked in all the ladies were wearing scarves on their heads in honor of me. The funny thing was I was the only one not wearing a scarf. I had my super sexy wig on..lol I wasn’t feeling all that great but being around everyone and all the great food helped make it better for me. I had such a good time. This side of the family hardly gets back together. We definitely need to do it more often. We laughed and laughed the whole time. On top of all the good food and laughter my family got together and presented me with another “gift of love”. I got about $800 to help with my hospital, medical and pharmacy bills and especially gas. I didn’t realize I’d be driving so much going to doctor’s appointments and pharmacy trips. Sometimes I’m at the doctor’s office daily. It just depends on how the chemo is on my body. Thank you family for a great party. I loved seeing you all and we must do it again soon. I love you!

Wiggin' Out

So I finally decided I needed to go wig shopping. I logged onto the American Cancer Society website and the first wig shop they listed was Hino Hairstyles. It was so funny because as you all know my hair makes me emotional. I just start crying like a crazy lady. Actually, I start crying now for no reason. It’s really like I’m pregnant and my hormones are whacked out. Anyway, I got the phone number and started to call Hino Hairstyles. I was perfectly fine until the lady on the other side answered “Hino Hairstyles this is Joann”. I started to bawl. She could hardly understand me but made out that I have cancer and am looking for a wig. She was so nice to me. She told me I sounded young and not to worry because they see lots and lots of women my age with Cancer. Also, she said because of my age I’d have more fun choosing from a wider variety of wigs. She told me to go to their other store on Kalakaua Ave. instead of their Ala Moana Shopping Center store because I’d feel more comfortable. Not so many people at the other store. Keoki took me that morning and I had so much fun trying about 30 wigs. I settled for a longer wig. Keoki called it a “10” so I had to get it. I even got compliments when I wore it to my chemo session on Thursday. I met a girl at chemo and she loved it so much that I had to email her the brand, style and color. I thought that was so cool to talk about wigs. Thank you to Joann and Gordon from Hino Hairstyles for making me feel beautiful. I might be back for a super short one J

Cancer makes you STUCK UP!!!

The reason why it’s been a while for me to update my blog is because week 4 of chemo slowed me down…literally. When you think of someone with cancer and going through chemo you instantly think of hair loss and nausea. I had no clue constipation was a major side effect. I had my chemo on Thursday and by Friday I was already having major stomach pains from all the gas not being able to go anywhere. (I know TMI but it’s better when you hear the whole truth so I feel like you were there with me…lol) I couldn’t take it anymore and tried everything Long’s Drugs had to offer. I went to the ER and they sent me home with a prescription. They had no clue how much pain I was in. The next day I had to go to my doctor’s office for another shot to boost my white cells. I told my doctor, well cried to my doctor about how much pain I was in and they eventually admitted me to the hospital. Queen’s Medical Center was booked so we ended up at HMC formerly known as St. Francis East. Again, we had to start from the lowest dose of laxative and work our way up. I didn’t end up going until almost 24hrs later. I was in so much pain that I was given a narcotic painkiller every two hours. It felt like I was having contractions. The scary thing about the painkillers was I felt like a junkie. I was in so much pain that I was waiting for the two-hour mark to call my nurse in administer the narcotic through my IV. I would lie there and wait for the feeling of numbness start from the top of my head and work slowly down the rest of my body until it hit my abdomen and I was in heaven. Every time I got the painkiller it’s effect was shorter and shorter. After realizing how much I depended on it I tried to hold off. I would still get the shot but it would be only after I tried walking or if I knew it was too painful to even get out of bed. I was discharged on Tues, 1/8. I felt way better but still had some stomach pain. My mom took me home and it was the hardest day. I had to deal with all the pain without medication. Usually Keoki is there and he can just look at me and talk me through it but he was at work. Both my mom and sister Nicole took turns rubbing my back. It really did help calm me. Now, I have a super sugary liquid that I take anytime I feel it backing up. Let’s just hope I take it in time.

Hair today, Gone tomorrow

On New Year’s Day I decided to shave off all of my hair. I was afraid to wake up one morning and have all my hair on my pillow. I had no idea how emotional it would be for me. I figured once I get it off then I can start to accept that my hair is gone. I’ll begin to realize I’m just going through the rhythms of cancer. It was funny because it seemed like Keoki was more scared to see me bald. He used the longest clip on the buzzer then I kept telling him I want it shorter and shorter. Eventually he buzzed me with no clip and emerged was a monk..lol It was funny. I found that my head is oddly shaped but the most shocking fact about my head is that I have a couple birthmarks. WHO KNEW?? I was born with a lot of hair so not even my mama saw my bald head. I also found out my brother has a couple birthmarks on his head too. Thank goodness I’m a girl so I can grow out my hair and cover the odd shape in birthmarks. Everyone says my head looks ok but I feel like it’s weird. Once all the hair was off I instantly felt cold all over my head, ears and neck. I had to put a blanket over my head because I wasn’t prepared with a hat or beanie. Keoki’s mom knitted one up in an hour or so. It was with whatever she had so it ended up being two colors. That one will be for home use only..lol

Healthy New Year Everyone!!!

It’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog. I hope everyone had fun ringing in the New Year. We usually go to my sister Nicole’s house but we decided to stay home this year so I could take breaks in-between the fireworks. We bought a lot of fountains that Logan and Mason enjoyed. Logan even had fun cleaning up all the mess afterward. We just want to wish everyone a HEALTHY NEW YEAR!!! We love all of you and are blessed to have you in our lives.

You have to lose the hair to beat that cancer

To add to my misery my hair started to fall out this weekend. I would run my fingers through my hair and strands of hair would be in my hand. It was sad but didn’t really hit me until we got home last night. I was in the shower and hair was just coming out. Not in clumps but lots of strands. This is the first time cancer got to me. I know I have cancer but it’s the first time my emotions took over. I just started to cry and cry in the shower. In the beginning when I was told my hair was going to come out I was ready to shave it off and see the odd shape of my head..lol. I had my first wig from my friend Skeeter and felt ready to just shave it all off. But when Keoki cut off my hair I had a cute haircut that I would have never done. I started to like it and now it’s going to be gone soon. I got out of the shower and was in the room changing. I was ok but the tears just started rolling again. I couldn’t stop it. My son Logan heard me and told daddy that mommy was crying. Keoki ran in and grabbed me. I was sobbing so hard at first he couldn’t understand what was going on. Then I just kept saying “my hair, my hair”. He smiled at me and said “I’m glad to see your hair go that means we’re getting rid of your tumor”, “You have to lose the hair to beat that cancer”. He told me that it’s a way of starting anew and seeing me go bald to having hair will show him that our fight is almost at an end. He convinced me that it’ll be fun seeing me grow like a chia pet. He’s too funny. I swear I love that man for knowing how to make things all better. He says that I’m the strong one but he has no idea how amazing he is for doing everything and still managing to keep us smiling and laughing through it all. We are very blessed to have him. I love you Keoki!!!

Chemo week three - check!

As you know last week didn’t start off so great. Luckily the shot to boost my white cell count worked almost instantly and my blood work on Thursday showed normal levels. I’m on a very intense and aggressive chemo regime. Instead of six months of treatment I will only have three. But, that means the medicine is much stronger and will probably make me sicker during the shorter period. Every third week I have to do my regular chemo on Thursday and a “booster” chemo day on Friday. Oh my gosh! It was the toughest week so far. On Thursday they had to pump me with two types of nausea medication. It knocked me out. I slept through Chemo and came home to sleep another 15 hours. I got up maybe twice to use the bathroom. That was bad because I didn’t eat. I felt too weak to get up for my “booster” session. We made it there in time. I just felt weak, tired and nauseated. Again, I was pumped with the same nausea medication before starting treatment. The whole weekend my body would switch between feeling ok to feeling junk.

The Mask

Ever since being discharged from the hospital I’ve been told to wear my mask (You know the ones you saw every person in China wearing when the bird flu was first discovered). I just shook my head and knew deep down inside I couldn’t really go out in public and wear that on my face. Keoki of course makes sure I do EVERYTHING the doctors and nurses say so I would get yelled at for not having my mask on even in the house. I hated it. Any chance I would get I would take it off and every time I did Keoki snapped for me to put it back on.

My attitude toward the mask changed this past on Monday, 12/24 when I went in for my weekly blood test to make sure my body was up to receive chemo on Thursdays. My white blood count was 0.5 with the normal being a 5. I could feel it. I couldn’t initially walk from the car to the doctor’s office. I had to rest in the car for 15 minutes. While waiting in the exam room I had to lie down. Right when my Dr. walked in he was concerned about my blood work and the fact that I just looked down and out. He immediately put me on two antibiotics and a shot that I would need to get everyday even on Christmas to boost my white cell count. He stressed the fact that I should be taking my temperature constantly, washing my hands, and wearing my mask. He told me if my temperature hit over 100 degrees that I should go straight to the ER. The common cold could land me in the hospital for days with a white blood count like that. I really felt the seriousness of the situation and didn’t care about weird looks or stares. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t see the ER again and that I could be home with my boys. Now, I go out and wear my mask everywhere. Keoki doesn’t need to tell me twice. I actually want all those curious people to ask my “why”. It’ll give me a chance to let them know so they don’t feel so freaked out. It might also give me a chance to share my story and maybe make a new friend.